literature

Liluim

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KM-Rasco's avatar
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Literature Text

In the plains and hills that king Constantine did reign,
The city of Liluim stood afore rolling hills as his jewel,
Alas now she is not to her denzines but the black deaths fuel,
It started with a pig, then a cow and now not even a grain,
Nor man can escape it's bane; upon the land it leaves a stain;
The practitioners of thanatology remain deadlocked in a never-ending duel;
"Why doeth death visit my village each night, is death merely cruel"?
The question on every lip apon my visit; asked by those who remain;
I reap the weeds so that new life may be sowed; so the field may grow,
Such as I steal the life from the mouse and give it to cat since,
Any creature that escapes death will feast until his decay is rife;
Look where once I took so many, where doors were marked a meadow I bestow,
Liluim's resting place is not the only place graced with birth, a new prince,
With a new town is born by the sea, her grounds filled with plenty of wildlife.
A submission for the :iconthewriteplace: prompt
THE WRITE INSPIRATION
For the week of February 6th, 2017
theme death.

The piece was done with the plague in mind and in the form of a sonnet.


Thank you for viewing feel free to leave comments and I hope you enjoyed reading my work.
if you have any suggestion on what should be used as tags I'd gladly hear them.

critic suggestions.
Do you like the structure?
Do you like they themes?
What's your interpretation?
How was it's flow?
did it make sense?
Comments8
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JiMeiLofgren's avatar
First of all, I really think sonnets are really hard to write, so I congratulate you on writing one. It really is fantastic and I like the perspective you take. I especially like the interesting imagery of letting the cat live instead of a mouse and it communicates the ambiguous nature of death. And since I know how hard it is as a writer to get feedback, I thought I'd give some for you. Please know that I just want to help and I really think your poem is great. ^^

By sonnet, I take it you mean the Italian sonnet format? Or another one? (I know it's isn't Elizabethan at least. ^_^'')

I think the theme of death can be even more concrete or maybe just capitalize it to say "Black Death's fuel" instead, give emphasis. I think one of the biggest things that will help the structure and the flow is if you break up the sonnet into sentences and not end every line with a comma. There are parts where it could flow more if there wasn't a comma and it would make the rhyming a little more natural. Also, I think perhaps similar syllables or some kind of metric flow to your words would would be better. At least in the typical Italian sonnet, it has iambic pentameter and it lends the poem a better flow and structure.